the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

I woke up bored this morning. Literally. I woke up and immediately felt bored and wanted to do something. After much hemming and hawing with my mom, I got a phone call from my aunt and we headed out shopping.

I found a bunch of cute things to try on, but ultimately didn't really like any of them except one shirt. I was enjoying shopping, pretty much up until the point where we hit the "home goods" section. Then it just all went downhill. I got sad. I was sad shopping. How is that even possible?! It's very possible hell may have actually frozen over.

As I was looking through all the home things, bedroom sets, picture frames, wall decorations, dishes, pots and pans, place mats, holiday decorations, etc. it just made me so desperately want to begin our life together and have our own home (base housing, apartment, whatever it may be, it will still be "ours" for however long we are there). There were so many things that I saw that I fell in love with and just wanted to buy for us.

 I did however buy this adorable thing because it was only $10 and I feel in love. 

So I have my first official Thanksgiving decoration. I'm a little excited! :)

There are so many cute things, and I know there will be cute things when I am actually out shopping for them, but just seeing all of it now, even just the basic things, made me feel...empty. I don't know if that's the right word, maybe more like incomplete. Like I'm just not living the life I really want right now, or the life that's making me the happiest, or have what I really want at the moment.

I want our life together to start. Now. Right this second. If I could snap my fingers and make it happen, if I could wrinkle my nose, if I had a genie in a lamp, if it were just that easy, I would do it. But obviously it's life and nothing is really that easy. Doesn't mean I can't wish it was sometimes.

I didn't tell him any of this, not really anyway. Just mentioned how I saw a lot of cute things that I wished I could buy for our house. He started his second, and hardest, school on Monday and he's already having super long days. He even went in today for a good number of hours to study just because. I know already it's a lot and I don't want to make it worse. Especially over something that can't be fixed right away, it's pointless to put that weight on him. Thankfully I have here.

I hate complaining. Ok, I may say I hate it but I do tend to do it. Not often, but more than I want or wish I did. But really this is my biggest source of complaining. I guess I hate it because I know there are other wives and girlfriends going through a worse separation then I am. And I feel I should be happy to have what I do have, being able to talk to him every night before bed, getting a random text message simply because he wanted to say he loves me, knowing he's safe (at the moment). I just hate not being apart of his life right now, while I can be. Not being able to be together right now while we can be. I guess in reality we could be, it's not as easy.

He's in his hardest school. He leaves his BEQ at around 0545 every morning and doesn't make it back until between 1830 and 2000. He goes in and studies for hours on the weekend. We're not married yet so I would be living off base, it not so nice of an area, making it even less easy to just be together as much as possible. We had talked about it before and I know that him worrying about me being there alone would weigh on his mind and I didn't want that to be a distraction (not that I won't be alone on deployments, but I'll be able to meet other wives, make friends, etc. easier then where he is right now for school) I have a job, meaning money, meaning savings for our wedding, for our future, for us. Moving to him would mean no job, maybe if I could find one, definitely no where near what I make now, risking not finding one at all. Not all of my family, or his, knows our exact plans (my mom does and to me she's the most important) and I don't want to just spring it on them, especially my grandfather, who lives with us. He is the most important man in my life, besides my sailor, and been the only "father" I have ever known (but I also do have some amazing uncles!) I know he will be supportive but I also know how much he will miss me and he needs time to adjust that I'll be leaving, and not just to college 4 hours away. And most importantly, I want to still spend time with my mom because I know not all that long from now it won't be so easy to just walk into the kitchen and tell her I'm bored and suggest something to do. Or just watch tv with her. Or grab dinner. Or just hang out.

So I guess when it comes down to it, it really isn't an easy thing. I'm doing what I need to do right now, what my sailor needs to do, for ourselves and each other. So that when the time comes, when we are together, it's exactly how it was meant to happen, how it was supposed to happen. And I guess when it comes down to it, we know we are going to be together no matter what, that before we even realize it, he'll be done with this school in February, moving to NY (and only 3 hours away!) for his last school, our wedding, and then our first base. So if we have to do a few more things we need to do before we can be together, then we will. Because we know in the end, it was worth it and necessary and when we are finally together, the rest won't even matter.

Now the true test will be reminding myself of everything I just said when I get really sad and down and feel like I will explode if I don't just give it all up and go be with my sailor. I just have to keep reminding myself of all of this because I know it's the truth, I just forget it sometimes when my other emotions take over. Guess that's just the way it goes, being a female and being in love with someone in the military. So no matter how difficult it is to be apart, how much it sucks, how much it hurts, it's also the right thing to do at the moment.